As the title said, I'm switching account from Kazushin-fhxc
That new account is for a new afresh start of myself as a proper artist. I'm still paranoid in thinking everyone still watches me for my motivational poster, line-arts or even drawing used by base. So this is one of the main reason I'm switching account, in that new account I won't be doing any of those anymore. Everything will be now all pure hand-drawn with my own hands.
Secondly, this account have held many memories of both good and bad. Good which slowly corrupted to bad memories by my own immature, selfish and depressed thinking of how I was back then. And yes, I've suffered a very bad breakdown that created unpleasant scars which I think it would be best if I don't elaborate what those scars. But those scars had got me thinking what drawing is really mean to me, and until now so far by the definition, I was craving for attention with my art.
I wanted to reach a level where I would gain many followers and able to earn a decent profit, because I became too deeply interested into art. But of course, reality and my skill often hit me back and to now a very bad damage of myself. Living in this country where anime and manga drawing style is forbidden, plus own now complete dislike to the course I'm studying, my perfectionist high expectation of my ability, additionally of my own decision of the future and the comments which weren't really harsh by my friends and peers got me that horrible breakdown, to the point I want to completely stop drawing once and for all.
Considering the factor I don't really have many watchers, barely anyone who like the stories and OCs I have now, and I'm desperate for comment and critiques for my story had made me thinking that anyone could really write and draw something at my level. Any Tom, Dick, Harry, John can do it.... I'm also at my final year of my Polytechnic year and need to make a very careful decision that I'm going to work on a job that I won't not only regret but also to have a stable income for myself.
And the one thing I should confess to all my watchers who still somehow manage to rewatch me back. I know some or not may have been wondering if there's a glitch or bug from Deviantart that cause you to unwatch from me. I'll admit, it wasn't a bug or website virus.... I was the one who made all of you to unwatch me through blocking and unblocking so that you'll dewatch me by force.
And here's the reason why... It's really ironic, I wanted attention so badly but I dewatch you guys... Probably because I just think that whatever I've posted, I'm talking to a damn wall, air or nobody but myself. No one really cares or interested in my works, so I often really wonder and even once posted a poll to ask What's the reason that you watch me?
Only a few chose art and stories, but many chose others.... I'll be cynical, did all of you watch me out of pity? Just watch for the sake of watching.... I don't know whatever reason you guys watch me, I just force all of you to unwatch me back then cause I want to talk and hear feedback from a human being
who watch me, not some stupid wall that just take up space in my watch list.
I always emphasize on communication, always wanting feedback. But as the quote says "What's the opposite of love is indifference." So I really wonder why you people watch me when you guys just don't really bother....
Anyway, enough of that confession which was one of the additional factors of wanting to stop drawing. The breakdown was as horrible as the one I had two years ago where I become so scared of taking up a pencil/my tablet pen to draw. I didn't want to take up the pen because I know no matter what I draw, I'm still stuck at where I am forever and ever.
So quitting art had sounded like the best idea at that time, cause it would really stop me from wasting my time on this 'hobby' that everyone sees. To everyone, it may seem as a hobby that I can used to destress myself, but to me, I wanted something as a professional job... But I guess probably I dewatch you guys and broke down because no one took me seriously with all the past tracing I've done.
I was also consoled by many of my friends, even my family.... That I shouldn't stop drawing, yeah really a broken tape recording soon.... Some even encouraged me to pursue it because it's really what I want to do. But I still wonder and contemplating now.... What's the point of me pursuing when I can't do fan-arts, have more preferences towards anime-style drawing and my drawing skill level and concept is something any Tom, Dick and Harry can come up with? I want to be a manga author really, but what's really the point when any Tom, Dick and Harry can come up with any storyline that's more interesting than mine? Better OCs than mine which are still in everyone's eyes as 'Mary-sue'?
So the thing is Why did I really create and switch to a new account for?
To forget the past and start anew? I doubt anyone believe that I've stopped tracing and still hoping to see more non-artwork related stuff?
To show that I'm fully interested in drawing and story writing? Anyone can do it really, so no point for me....
Because I feel like it? I mean why not, no one really care what I think...
To be honest, I really don't know... I'm still deciding carefully what I want to do in the future. Cause this new account is definitely based on the first two reason especially the second one because I met a group of people and friends to get me drawing and going for different anime events to look other artist drawing.
I've also promised one of my friends that once I graduated after Polytechnic, I would create a Doujinshi group with her to go for event to sell our artwork and expose ourselves as artist to the other artist in the outside world.
But you can't do fan art? Well yeah duh, I'm always cracking my brain very hard to get the concept or even trying to make sure they can be easily recognized after I've drawn.
Why not just stick to OCs instead? I wish I could, but apparently my country only cares about either any drawing must be only in Western or your picasso art-style, or anime fan-arts. I don't hate anime fan-arts, I don't hate western style, what I really hate the most is always the customer and people.
That hatred define from myself and how people always wanted the impossible things like a very good quality artwork yet it can be bought cheaply. Sure it can be found, but if it's treated that way always is to me really mocking down an artist's value. There's a lot but basically I just hate people and their expectation. So the thing is how am I supposed to be an artist if I'm gonna be hating people and their unrealistic expectation?
Well, definitely I would try to abide the rules of pleasing the customer first, but if the customer went too far by my own standards. The policy of customer is right and being priority would fly out of the window, cause to my belief at the end of the day, we're both humans and I've my own limits of much I can take in.
And so finally, after the whole long rant of the above. I'm switching account to Kazushin14. I'm still continuing my Xerox Inception story and Monochrome Blood Pact, while also deciding the third story to write since I'm still targeting my quota to write three stories. This account as usual contains mostly OCs only and occasional fan-art accounts. But in the future may or may not create a separate account for fanart while the main Kazushin14 is solely focus on my fan & original OCs stories.
So if you ever want to follow or block, just remember the Kazushin14. This account Kazushin-fhxc will not be deactivated as it still holds many memories that I couldn't bear to delete no matter how bad and guilty the memories were.